I've only got a few more weeks left in England. A month or two at the most. Found this out today, and while I was seriously upset at first, I've had a moment to think about it and I am actually really excited about it. My location opportunities are endlessly open for where to move when I go home. Cali, Mississippi, New York (if a friend will let me crash on his couch), maybe even Hawaii if my cousin doesn't mind me showing up. Hmm...decisions decisions...

Sometimes you get to a place in your life and you can't remember exactly how the fuck you managed to get there. You look around at the once friendly faces and wonder, "When did he/she start to hate me a little? And, why, if that's the case, am I still here? What am I doing? Why does this shit even bother me?" I have asked these questions a time or two throughout my life, but this is the first time I haven't been able to answer any of those questions in a satisfactory manner. The problem is simple...I don't know what I'm doing anymore or why I'm doing it. I'm miserable. I'm depressed. I hate myself a little more each and every day. I don't like hating myself, so I start to withdraw, and find that I don't want to be around anyone at all. I want to cry or scream or throw things, but none of that really helps, does it? I probably need medication and a hand gun.

I'm such a lazy, ungrateful, useless piece of high-maintenance shit lately that I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I hate all of the thoughts running through my head. I'm embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I feel like such a mealy-mouthed coward. I look in the mirror, searching my eyes for some kind of confirmation that I'm okay, that everything will be okay, and they seem empty of solutions. I don't recognize my reflection anymore. What do you do when you are just a stranger you haven't met? What do you do when you question everything about yourself? What do you do when your self-esteem is crap, and your self-worth even lower? Who do you turn to when all of your friends feel like enemies?

I am angry. So damned angry. Does any of this rage ever go away? And, if it does, what will fill the void it will leave inside of me? I'm tired of hearing about how I let everyone down. I'm tired of knowing that nothing I do is good enough. I'm tired of fighting for something I'm not even sure I believe in anymore. I'm tired of fighting for me. I'm tired of having to defend myself. I'm tired of being the only one in my corner. I'm tired of knowing I disappoint. I'm tired of knowing that, even you, only care based on conditions. And, I'm furious because for some lame ass reason, I didn't see any of this coming.

But, then, we never do, do we?

I've never been very good that the "grey area" stuff of life. I don't have much in the way of patience. So, waiting to take action on decisions that have already been made just so we make sure that we're including all of those in the decision that deserve to be included makes me a bit insane at moments. We had a friend of Wills from the US stay with us two weeks ago. She was only here for a week, but it was the longest, most painful week I've experienced in a while. Not only was she loud, obnoxious, and embarrassingly ignorant, uncultured, and naive, but she also displayed NO interest in our business (which is not good considering that she wants to work for us as an Exec VP). Wills and I both tried to talk to her separately about the business and both of us were blown off in favour of beer. Which tells me that she doesn't really want it that much. Priorities...priorities. Well, my priorities are my company, and she doesn't share those same priorities so I think we'll be terminating her future employment with our company within the next week or two. (It did strike me as funny that we're having to sack someone before we're actually a company. A bit odd.)

Anyway, during her week here, I began to discover why it is that the rest of the world tends to dislike American tourists. Even though I was one when I first came over here and at times I still feel like one, never at any point did I display such an unrivaled lack of knowledge or consideration or class. Some say it's because I'm a West-Coaster, but I think much of it is due to my upbringing. As much as I don't care for my mother most days, she did her best to raise her children to be outspoken, independent, open-minded, and she instilled in each of us a certain level of public protocol. Which is probably a nice way of saying that we weren't allowed to go out to nicer restaurants with them if we'd acted up previously, or didn't use the proper table manners. So, basically my upbringing has helped me, whereas Erin's upbringing has hindered her.

The other thought that is floating around my head at the moment is that I'm anxious to move forward with this business as soon as possible. I'm getting a bit antsy.

So I'm having to write my "bio" for our company website and I am drawing a blank. I don't know what the hell to put on that page. How much can people possibly want to know about me on a business level? It just seems like a giant load of bollocks to me, but then what do I know. I'm trying to find a balance between confident and arrogant. I had the whole thing done a few days ago, but the damn thing didn't save properly and it all got erased. Nothing is as frustrating as that.

Lately, I feel tired. Tired and irritated. I really don't want to be working at this hostel anymore. I just want to run my business. All this waiting and in between bullshit is making me irritable. As if I needed help being irritable...great. I guess one day soon all of this crap will be vastly worth it. That day just needs to hurry the hell up.

* biting into a pepper and getting a mouth full of juice that is running down my chin because it came as a total surprise. (I'm sure one of you has a joke about that.)

* other people's drama. (Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but damn it don't put me in the middle of a bad situation...the middle of a threesome yes, the middle of a bad situation no.)

* driving throught "the Gorge" in January during a rainstorm. (Man, was that scary...worth it, but scary.)

* goodbyes. (I think that's pretty much a universal hatred. I've yet to meet anyone that loves saying goodbye to people they'd rather not say goodbye to.)

* sleeping alone. (That's a new one for me. Normally, I prefer it, but lately I've been having difficulty getting a good nights rest. I blame you...you know who you are.)

* my new planning area. It sucks. I'll get used to it, but right now it sucks.

* packing. (I have to do it yet again, and I'm delaying.)

* having to poop in the middle of my day cause I refuse...REFUSE to poop at work, which means I have to go home on my lunch break.

* that people here can't drive for shit! lol. Actually, now that I think about it, they couldn't drive in CA, PA, WA, IL, or TX either, so maybe people just can't drive well period.

Mmmmm...I think that's it for now. Rather short list today.

Last few days have been interesting. Lots of sleeping (gotta love NyQuil while loathing the reason for taking it), I was lame company. New Year's Eve consisted of one plate of food, 1 1/2 beers, hanging out with Crystal's friends for about 3 hours, then deciding I was way too sick to be out in the cold with the smoke from the fire billowing in my coughing face. I was home, medicated, and in bed by 2130. Fuck me! That was weak.

Feeling better today. Think I'm going to try to sleep without NyQuil. Guess it depends on how crappy I'm feeling when I lay down to sleep.

Work was...well work. I was productive, so I guess that's good. Some married dude at work was flirting with me the last two hours I was there. Crystal says, "Oooo, leave him alone. He's very married." I said, "Not gonna be a problem. I'm not interested." Then, she calls me on my way home to gush about how she thinks he wants to sleep with her "no-strings." To which I reply, "I think you should follow your own advice on that one. And, how is it that you get laid way more than I do. I haven't been laid in MONTHS! There's something wrong with that." She says I can have the married one if I want. LMAO! Even if I wanted him, I wouldn't touch him. I think that's a shitty shitty thing to do. And, how do you give someone to someone else?

Speaking of flirting...I don't think I'm very good at it.

Speaking of getting laid...I don't actually envy Crystal all the ass she's getting. (I've seen some of these people she's been with...wow. That's all I'm saying on that note.)

Speaking of vacations...oh yeah, I wasn't speaking of vacations. I am now though. And, I'm going on a mini-vaca this weekend. To Raleigh. Should be a good time. I'm pretty excited about it.

I guess that's about all for now. Yeah.

The month of December holds one of the most celebrated holidays of the world, Christmas. Nevertheless, many people celebrate this holiday without noting it's pagan roots, such as dates, customs, and traditions. Few people realize that the origins of a form of Christmas was pagan, and celebrated in Europe long before anyone there had heard of Jesus Christ. No one knows what JC's B-day is. People/historians can't seem to agree on a specific day. However, they do agree that it is most certainly NOT December 25th, due to weather conditions in Jerusalem around that time of year. So, why do we celebrate December 25th as JC's B-day? The answer lies in the pagan origins of Christmas. (I can hear all you Christians gritting your teeth at me. I can also hear you already justifying your traditions based on the idea that "December 25th is the day we choose to celebrate his birth into this world. Well, we had to pick a day, right?" If only it were that simple, and if only we were all that naive. Am I pissing people off yet?)

In ancient Egypt, the feast of the Son of Isis (Goddess of Nature for those of you not already aware) was celebrated on December 25. Partying, over-eating, and gift-giving were traditions of this feast.

And, in Rome, the Winter Solstice was celebrate years and years before the birth of JC. The Romans called this celebration "Saturnalia" honoring Saturn, the god of agriculture. Song played a large part of this holiday, and it was in ancient Rome that the tradition of Mummers was born. Mummers were a costumed group of singers that traveled to the different homes entertaining their neighbors. Welcome to the birth of Christmas caroling.

The pagans of northern Europe celebrated their own Winter Solstice, known as Yule. Yule was symbolic of the birth of the sun god, Mithras, and was observed as the shortest day of the year. As the Mithras grew and matured, the days became longer and warmer. It was customary to light a candle to encourage Mithras to return the following year. Huge Yule logs were burned in honor of the sun. The word Yule means "wheel," wheel being the pagan symbol of the sun. Mistletoe was considered to be a sacred plant and the custom of kissing under the mistletoe began as a fertility right. Hollyberries were thought to be the food of the gods.

The tree is the one symbol that unifies almost all northern European winter solstices. Those celebrating the solstice would often bring live evergreen trees into their homes during the harsh winters to remind them that their crops would soon begin to grow. The Druids used the tree as a focal point in their worship. Evergreen boughs were given as wedding gifts to symbolize fertility.

In 350, it was Pope Julius I that declared that JC's B-day would be celebrated on December 25th. Most likely (and there is little doubt) this was done to ease the conversion of the so-called pagans (who remained the majority at the time) to Christianity. I suppose he figured giving up their beliefs would be less painful as long as they were able to keep their festivals.

So, really, what you are celebrating is a huge collaboration of beliefs that really have nothing to do with tiny, baby Jesus after all.

Merry Christmas.

I'll go shopping since I don't have to work today. I think I'll buy myself a book. I hear that Terry Pratchet is a good read. I'll have to see if I can find some of his work. Any other author recs?

I might go to the movies. I know it's lame of me, but I kind of want to see "Eragon." I love dragons. And, the books have been pretty decent, which I know means that I'll hate the movie.

I'm planning on having great dinner tonight. I'm going to have bacon wrapped filet mignon, corn on the cob, broccoli, bread, and broiled red-skin pototoes. MMMMMM. Aren't you jealous? I think I'll toss back a few Coronas too.

That is it. That is all. I'm going to take a shower now.